The past two weekends I've been going a bit crazy, and even though I try to shake myself out of it, the madness keeps on keeping on. I've been fighting against agoraphobia and other shit, but I remain 'flicted and tetched.
1. My goal is to see all the movies nominated for Best Oscar. Weekend before last, I had made up my mind to see THE KING'S SPEECH. The only ducks I had to get in a row were doing laundry, correcting one class of essays, and taking a shower. I finished the laundry no problem, but my feet dragged at the correcting and showering. The lead in my chest started expanding and grew heavier the minute I entered the final grade in my gradebook and snagged a towel from the linen closet to chuck into the bathroom. Suddenly going to the movie was a dangerous thing and something horrible would happen if I went out of the house. I forced myself into the shower. I wanted to go to the movie. I wasn't being placed in front of a firing squad, but it felt that way.
I did end up going, and the worst thing that happened was that I forgot to bring kleenex (despite being warned that it was sad) and I had to cry into my coat until the nice lady behind me (I swear I WAS NOT sobbing) nudged my shoulder and handed me a tissue.
2. Last weekend I couldn't face the stack of correcting in my bag. It lumped on the armchair, staring at me and accusing me all weekend. Instead of saying Fuck This Noise and accepting the fact that I wouldn't do a lick of work and would spend Saturday and Sunday doing whatever the hell I wanted (going to see THE FIGHTER, watching DOCTOR WHO, or buying a shit-ton of books to read), I put myself in limbo because I couldn't give myself permission to do what I wanted when I was shirking. Limbo consisted of re-reading a book I didn't want to read and dicking around on the computer.
Then Monday arrived. I woke up at four, pounded out a chunk of grading, and finished the rest at school before first bell.
Aaah, the fuckery of my head.