I don't know nothing 'bout taking care of no babies

My brother, who lives in South Carolina, has his son for the summer, and he's recruiting help from the family.

My mother's going down in June to stay for a month, and I've been asked to go for a week in August.

I don't want to.

He's an excellent brother, as all my brothers are, and he'd help out sans hesitation if I needed him to watch my kid. Except I don't have a kid. The only things I have for him to watch are my DVDs, and they're pretty good about staying on their own as long as I keep them away from the liquor cabinet, which is not problem since the booze is in the living room closet with the vacuum and my DVDs don't have feet.

I think the reason he asked me was that I have ovaries and must naturally be inclined and able to take care of children. I also have the summer off, which puts my brothers, who are far more experienced and capable, out of the running.

I floated the idea of making the week a Girls' Trip, but my sisters are giving me the unenthused vibe.

A week on my own with a one year old. The marrow in my bones freezes at the thought. I think I can be trusted not to get him drunk, pierced or tattooed, but the whole meals and changing diapers and entertainment factors make me uneasy.

I don't have maternal instincts; I have aunt instincts. I can keep my nephews and nieces amused for short bursts of time and throw them presents and money on the right occasions. This here gig is another thing entirely.